Business

Conflicts & Conflict Management

Definition of 'Conflict'
It helps if we first define what we mean by 'conflict'
Conflict is an expressed struggle between at least two parties, both of whom perceive interference from the other towards achieving their goals

A conflict can only exist when both parties are aware of a disagreement
Conflict Is Cool
Having experienced more than my fair share of conflict over the years, from street fighting to more sophisticated law cases, I have become an avid student of the subject of Conflict Resolution. My bookshelves are full of literature on the topic and the public library is thinking of charging me for overuse.
When I feel challenged through being in disagreement with someone I care about, I get comfort by remembering an appropriate little cliché that I picked up some years ago. It goes something like “If two people were in 100% agreement on everything, one of them would be superfluous.”
By accepting this, I give myself permission to get involved in the conflict fully, knowing that there is a lesson to be learned.
Regardless of the number of pages in a book, and many of them are well padded, they mostly seem to recommend a procedure such as the following:-
1. Nullify emotion
2. Explore the reasons for the conflict
3. Consider alternatives
4. Agree on most appropriate
5. Implement the chosen one
6. Evaluate the solution.
I intend to go through each step in detail, but before doing so I believe that there are several pre-requisites or ground rules that need to be agreed to by both parties before the process can even begin. The proposition that “All’s fair in Love and War” seems to me like an open ticket to abuse.
Rule 1: Respect:
Both parties may well loathe the sight of each other, but if they choose to address the conflict, they must agree to acknowledge that
(i) NEITHER of them are PERFECT and
(ii) each will have their own set idiosyncracies
TO WHICH EACH IS ENTITLED.
Rule 2: Commitment:
If the conflict is serious enough to warrant resolution, it is essential that full commitment be given to a mutually satisfying outcome.
Rule 3: Mission statement:
In a business where there exists a formal Mission Statement, this can be of great use in deciding the relevance or importance of each party’s assertions. If the relationship is informal, i.e. outside business, then actually defining a mission statement can work wonders too. This doesn’t need to be formal document signed in blood, but the greater clarity each party has on the other’s needs and wishes, the more likely is it that the relationship will flourish.
Rule 4. Preparedness to listen:
The old story about two ears and one mouth is absolutely true – how many times have you heard someone being denigrated because they “listen too much”. For resolution to be successful both sides must feel validated, that they have truly got their whole story across.
There are many barriers to listening but probably the most common is the tendency for us to “switch off” before the other party has finished. Usually it is because we “know what they’re going to say” and devote our attention to formulating our reply. The result of this is that the “listener” really only gets part of the story and the “speaker” is left feeling invalidated and frustrated. In an effort to be heard voice levels are raised, and the whole transaction deteriorates to the lowest level of disrespect.
There are quite a few other barriers to listening, and to go into these in detail would easily fill this whole publication. For the purpose of this article I would only suggest that “Poor Listening Skills” is an affliction that affects most of us. It is my view that just by consciously working to improve our own ability to listen would reduce the need for formal resolution greatly.
Having established our own Marquis of Queensbury rules, we can now get back to the proposed system. The first step of nullifying emotion is much easier said than done. It is a highly contentious issue, which we shall explore in some depth
Step 1 Nullify emotion
Unfortunately, the first step of the procedure is more easily said than done. What do we do when, at an intellectual level, we know that we should argue our case in a calm, logical manner, but what we really want to do is to reach out and choke the living daylights out of our opponent? Alternatively, we may just feel like bursting into tears at the sheer unfairness of it all.
But in today’s society we have learned that neither of these responses is acceptable. And if we should happen to give way to our impulses, we are considered unstable or just plain weird. So we bottle it up, count to ten, breathe deeply, and tell ourselves that we are being too emotional.
At least that’s what “civilised” people do. But which of these two types of behaviour is more honest? If we feel angry or upset, isn't’ that our TRUTH? And by denying these emotions aren’t we being untruthful? I suggest that that is exactly the case. We have become so used to denying our feelings that many of us simply don’t know who we are. The word DENIAL is an interesting acronym for Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying.
So am I suggesting that when things don’t go our way that we just give vent to whatever our emotion is at that time? And never mind who gets in the way? Absolutely not! What I am proposing is that we can OWN our feelings, without harming anyone else.
Nowadays it is commonly accepted that feelings which have been repressed or ignored do not just simply go away. They lie beneath the surface of our awareness waiting their opportunity to see daylight. The problem is that keeping them suppressed is like holding a beach ball under water. The effort that we spend holding it down drains us of energy that we could use in other ways. We may successfully keep them in check throughout our youth, but by middle years this can really take it’s toll. So what do yesterday’s feelings have to do with conflict in the present? Well, when we find ourselves involved in a disagreement and emotions starting to rise, maybe the problem lies not in what is going on at the moment; maybe it’s our “History Buttons” being pushed.
The term stress has at last been given some respectability, but here again we tend to blame factors outside ourselves. My boss is always this; my wife is forever that. If we can find a reason for the problem externally, it keeps us from looking at the real issues. When we perceive the other party as “making us angry”, then obviously we will respond defensively. So how can we tell whether our discomfort is caused by the current situation or something from the past being triggered? One of the really big clues comes when we can recognize a pattern. How many times have you been left with a feeling of déjà vu? Life has a way of re-creating difficult situations in order to give us the chance to learn.
This “Blame-The-Other-Guy” culture has prevailed so far because we haven’t had the level of self-awareness necessary to help us learn personal responsibility. But it isn’t just science and technology that are evolving. Nowadays there are many tools and methodologies to help us learn how to behave reflectively.
So, when involved in conflict, instead of just breathing deeply and waiting for the feeling to pass, we can actually use the opportunity to reflect. While counting up to 10 (or 100 if that’s what it takes), we can try to think back to past occasions when we felt the same way. This is not an easy task for anyone, but if conflicting parties can both adopt this philosophy, not only will they open the way for a win-win outcome, but also the relationship itself is also likely to benefit.
I think most people would agree that the term “nullify emotion” is much easier said than done. Nevertheless, we can at least see by now how to make use of our emotions as they get triggered during conflict. In summary, if we recognise through awareness that our feeling (in the moment) is out of proportion to what the situation itself demands, then our history buttons are being pushed.
Step 2 Explore the reasons for the conflict
Once again, this may not be as easy as it seems. What may start off as a disagreement over whether the lid should be left up or down can often be merely a symptom of a much deeper problem. In long-term relationships, where the number of petty disagreements seems to have multiplied, then it is almost certain that there are deeper issues involved. Unless both parties have extremely high self awareness and a pre-agreed arrangement to “Put the Relationship before Self” then 3rd party mediation may be necessary.
In less intense transactions, such as occur at work or in business, the disagreement may be just what it seems.
I love the story about the two teenage sisters fighting for the only orange in the house. Each was absolutely certain that her need was greater than her sibling’s. It was only when good old Mum stepped in to mediate that a win-win solution was found. After a brainstorming session it was discovered that one girl wanted some fresh orange juice and the other wanted to bake an orange cake, requiring only the rind.
So during this investigation stage the objective is to amass as much relevant, and perhaps seemingly irrelevant, information as possible. If both parties are committed to the process, they may spur each other on to be as creative as possible.
Step 3 Consider alternative courses of action
With any luck, some of the hostility and intensity will have evaporated by this stage, and an element of cooperation may have found its way in to the process. Rather than having only two completely polarized possibilities, on offer at the moment is a whole smorgasbord of opportunities. From this list of possible solutions, each item can be prioritized in accordance to its likelihood of solving the problem.
Step 4 Agree on the most appropriate course of action
When the most appropriate course of action may not be immediately obvious, there is a useful exercise that can be carried out that will almost guarantee a solution. It is very simple to try, and is also a great indicator of how committed each party is to the greater good.
The exercise involves each party acting as lawyer for the opponent. Party 1 uses as much logic, imagination and creativity to ensure that Party 2’s point of view is fully represented. Party 2 then reciprocates on behalf of Party 1. While there are no guarantees in life, this is one of the most effective tools I have ever seen used.
Step 5 Implement and Monitor
This final step is virtually self-explanatory. Once the most appropriate course of action has been chosen, it is just a matter of implementing it. If part of the resolution involves behaviour changes, then monitoring is essential. The more ingrained the conflict, the longer time may be needed to reinforce the different actions that have been agreed upon. If on the other hand, either party has gained sufficient insight for them to realise that their behaviour has been inappropriate, they may easily make the choice to consciously ‘do it differently’.
Summary
This effort to condense a topic such as this to less than 2000 words has been very ambitious. If any two people thought and behaved in exactly the same way, then one of them would be superfluous. It is our diversity that helps make the world such an interesting place. And if we can implement some of the ideas that I have been espousing here, such as listening with respect, then perhaps we can help make life a little more harmonious.
Conflict Behavior in an Organization

Conflicts are inevitable in one's organizational life and personal life. Probably, the executive starts his work-day with a conflict and ends the day with another conflict. He is fortunate if he does not carry a conflict home, but more often, he does, to the chagrin of his spouse, his children and himself.
I. Potential Antagonism
The first stage is the presence of antecedent conditions that create opportunities for conflict to arise.
II. Cognition & personalization
The antecedent conditions must be perceived as threatening if conflict is to develop. The situation may be ignored if it is seen as minimally threatening. III. Conflictive & Conflict
III. Management Behavior
Manifest behavior is the action resulting from perceived &/or felt conflict. At this stage, a conscious attempt is made by one party to block the goal achievement of the other party. Such behavior may range from subtle, indirect & highly controlled forms of interference to more open forms of aggressive behavior like strikes, riots & war.
IV. Aftermath
The interplay between different forms of overt conflict behavior & conflict handling strategies of stimulation or resolution influence the consequences. These consequences (in terms of performance of the group , the level of satisfaction & quality of relationship in the involved parties, change of parties, change of structure & policies , etc. )In turn influence the antecedent conditions & probability of future conflict. Sometimes, the aftermath sows the seeds of yet another conflict episode in which case the entire process is repeated.

IMPACT OF CONFLICTS
As we know conflict may occur between two individuals, as in the case of superior vs. subordinate, between two HODs, etc. Groups may be drawn into conflict with each other on the basis of performance, importance to a particular group and in general the union- management rivalries. Conflict can also occur within an individual as in situations of dilemma of choice, vividly characterized by phrases such as ‘between the devil and the deep blue sea’ or ‘caught on the horns of a dilemma’. For example, a personnel manager may be quite undecided about how to deal with the conflict (with workers, union) that is likely to result in work stoppage &loss in productivity.
While analyzing the impact of conflicts in any organization we will deal separately the two types of conflicts i.e. interpersonal conflicts and inter-group conflicts. First we will discuss interpersonal conflicts.
The general assumption is that conflict tends to have negative consequences for both the individual and the organization. For example, imagine yourself in an intense conflict situation. Examine your state of mind. You are tense, uneasy, extremely anxious & probably unable to concentrate on your work. Naturally in such situations, your performance is adversely affected. Decisions made may not be appropriate. Occasionally, they might even be unrealistic or irrational. Thus, conflicts tend to impair one’s efficiency.
Sometimes, conflict is also observed to give rise to certain maladjusted behaviors in individuals trying to cope with it. These include alcoholism, drug abuse, excessive smoking, under eating or overeating and extremely aggressive or submissive behavior.
Apart from the above psychological & behavioral consequences, conflict has also certain physiological consequences (more so under intense conflict situations) in that, certain changes take place within the physiological system which are often ignored or unnoticed. Some of the changes that occur within the system are:
- More adrenalin & nor adrenalin are shot into the blood & continue the state of arousal & excitation;
- Speed-up of the heart beat & increase in blood pressure;
- More of hydrochloric acid is secreted into the stomach.
Hence, it may be understood that conflict not only affects an individual’s performance, but also gives rise to psychosomatic disturbances, which undermine the health of the individual.
Below is a summarized list of the affect of conflicts on an individual
1. Psychological Responses
• inattentiveness to other things
• lack of interest in work
• job dissatisfaction
• work anxiety
• estrangement or alienation from others
• frustration
2. Behavioral Responses
• excessive smoking
• alcoholism
• under eating or overeating
• aggression towards others or work sabotage
• decreased communication
• resisting influence attempts
3. Physiological Responses
• peptic ulcers
• respiratory problems such as asthma
• hypertension
• headaches
• coronary problems
Conflicts in work situations may also give rise to organization related individual consequences:
- Job dissatisfaction
- Apathy or indifference to work
- Role-set members & the company
- Job stress & burnout
- Disloyalty
- Work sabotage
- Employee turnover
- Increased territoriality & resistance to change
- Decreased information sharing, etc.
Can conflicts be positive? It can also be argued that conflicts are not necessarily bad. The progress we have made so far in our civilization is due to the conflict between nature & man. Conflict releases energy at every level of human activity- energy that can produce positive, constructive results. Conflicts tend to have a motivational value; they drive or energize an individual to tackle a situation. To resolve a conflict one might explore different avenues or alternatives of action, which make him/her more knowledgeable. Conflicts also provide opportunities to test one’s own abilities.
While successful resolution of a conflict adds to one’s self-confidence, unsuccessful attempts make one more realistic & resourceful to seek better alternatives& thereby improve one’s skills. It is perhaps so in everyone’s experience. For example, think of any of the personal or organizational problems that you may have faced in near future. It was probably difficult for you to resolve them at that time. But if the same problems were to recur, surely you would have more confidence to tackle them at present than you had earlier when they first occurred. It may even be amusing to think that such problems bothered you then, even though they appear so simple now.
Every organization must have faced internal & external conflicts from the time of its inception. However, organizations that resolved their earlier conflicts in positive & constructive ways have survived, grown & prospered because they benefited from their learning experiences. In certain instances they have also emerged as the captains of the industry. Similarly, in organizations, when individuals find themselves in critical situations, they often come up with workable & novel solutions because of the stakes involved for themselves & their department. Given below is the list of consequences of conflict.
Beneficial Consequences
- Motivate individuals to do better and to work harder. One‘s talents and abilities come to the forefront in a conflict situation.
- Satisfy certain psychological needs like dominance, aggression, esteem and ego, and thereby provide an opportunity for the constructive use and release of aggressive urges.
- Provide creative and innovative ideas. For example employee benefits of the preset day are an outcome of the union –management conflicts over the past decades.
- Add variety to one’s organizational life, otherwise work life would be dull and ‘boring.
- Facilitate an understanding of the problem, people and interrelationships between people, better coordination among individuals & departments, in addition to strengthening intra-group relationships, etc.
Dysfunctional Consequences
- Conflicts affect individual & organizational performance. Resolving conflicts consumes a considerable amount of managerial time & energy, which could be more productively spent in the absence of conflicts.
- In a conflict situation people may promote their self-interests or personal gains at the cost of others or the organization. For example, a union leader may call for a strike to assert his superiority or to stabilize his leadership.
- Intense conflicts over a prolonged period affect individuals emotionally & physically& give rise to psychosomatic disorders.
- Time spent on conflicts, if costed, could mean considerable amount of money wasted.
- Conflicts may lead to work sabotage, employee morale problems, and decline in the market share of product/services &consequent loss of productivity.
Resolving Conflicts Effectively

Every relationship has conflicts. In some relationships, conflict is a serious problem; in others, differences seem to be resolved without creating a major incident.
Think about the kinds of conflicts that happen in your daily life. These are typical:
1. Disagreements over who should do what
2. Disagreements over how things should be done
3. Conflicts of personality and style Nonproductive Ways of Dealing with Conflict Now that we’ve identified some typical situations where conflict arises in your everyday lives, let’s look at some examples of ways that people deal with them. These are the common ones:
1. Avoid the conflict.
2. Deny the conflict; wait until it goes away.
3. Change the subject.
4. React emotionally: Become aggressive, abusive, hysterical, or frightening.
5. Find someone to blame.
6. Make excuses.
7. Let someone else deal with it.
All of these responses to conflict have one thing in common: They are all nonproductive. All of them are destructive, some physically. This is why learning to manage conflict is so important.
Factors That Affect How People Manage Conflict
The skills involved in managing conflict are learned behaviors. None of us is born knowing how to deal with differences of opinion, arguments, or turf wars. Some of the factors that affect how we behave in the face of conflict are:
1. Behavior learned in families. In some families, conflict and confrontation are a communication style. In others, conflict always remains hidden.
2. Behavior learned from role models. People who have had a teacher or boss who modeled effective conflict resolution skills are more likely to develop these skills themselves.
3. Status. People in higher-status positions usually feel freer to engage in conflict and are less likely to avoid confrontation.
4. Unwritten rules. Some groups encourage conflict; others have unwritten rules that it is to be contained or avoided.
5. Gender differences. Males are generally encouraged to be more confrontational than females.
Active Listening
Active listening is a valuable skill for resolving conflicts because it enables you to demonstrate that you understand what another person is saying and how he or she is feeling about it. Active listening means restating, in your own words, what the other person has said.
Active listening is a way of checking whether your understanding is correct. It also demonstrates that you are listening and that you are interested and concerned. These all help resolve a situation where there are conflicting points of view.
Active listening responses have two components: (1) naming the feeling that the other person is conveying, and (2) stating the reason for the feeling.
Here are some examples of active-listening statements:
“Sounds like you’re upset about what happened at work.”
“You’re annoyed by my lateness, aren’t you?”
“You sound really stumped about how to solve this problem.”
“It makes you angry when you find errors on Joe’s paperwork.”
“Sounds like you’re really worried about Wendy.”
“I get the feeling you’re awfully busy right now.”
Actively listening is not the same as agreement. It is a way of demonstrating that you intend to hear and understand another’s point of view.
Benefits of Active Listening
If a person uses active listening as part of his or her communication style, it has a positive effect on dealing with conflicts when they arise. This is because of the following benefits:
1. It feels good when another person makes an effort to understand what you are thinking and feeling. It creates good feelings about the other person and makes you feel better about yourself.
2. Restating what you’ve heard and checking for understanding promotes better communication and produces fewer misunderstandings.
3. Responding with active listening has a calming effect in an emotional situation.
General Tips for Managing Conflict
1. Stick with “I” statements; avoid “you” statements.
2. Avoid name-calling and put-downs (“A reasonable person could see that...”).
3. Soften your tone.
4. Take a time-out (“Let’s take a break and cool down”).
5. Acknowledge the other person’s point of view (agreement is not necessary).
6. Avoid defensive or hostile body language (rolling eyes, crossing arms in front of body, tapping foot).
7. Be specific and factual; avoid generalities. Preventing Conflicts
Now that we’ve talked about how to resolve a conflict, let’s look at how to prevent conflicts from happening. Think of situations in your life where there don’t seem to be many conflicts. What might be happening there? Chances are, you are practicing one of the following conflict-prevention skills:
1. Bring issues out in the open before they become problems.
2. Be aware of triggers and respond to them when you notice them.
3. Have a process for resolving conflicts. Discuss the process with those around you and get agreement on what people should do in cases of differing viewpoints.
Managing Workplace Conflicts

Kinds of Workplace Conflicts
Let’s start by identifying where conflicts happen. Think about the kinds of conflicts that happen around your workplace.
• Disagreements over turf (who should do what)
• Disagreements over policy (how things should be done)
• Conflicts of personality and style
Common Ways of Dealing with Conflict
These are some of the ways we typically deal with conflict. Do you see yourself in any of them?
• Avoid the conflict.
• Deny the conflict; wait until it goes away.
• Change the subject.
• React emotionally; become aggressive, abusive, hysterical, or frightening.
• Find someone to blame.
• Make excuses.
• Delegate the situation to someone else.
All of these responses are nonproductive. Some of them are actually destructive. This is why learning to manage conflict is so important.
Effect on Work Relationships
The workplace is a system of relationships. Relationships have many different aspects; here are several examples:
Trust
Teamwork
Quality
Morale
Self-esteem
Loyalty
Respect for boss
When conflicts are handled well, there’s a positive effect on work relationships. When they are not, these factors can deteriorate. Productivity and the free expression of ideas are also impacted.
Factors That Affect How People Manage Conflict
The skills involved in managing conflict are learned behaviors. None of us is born knowing how to deal with differences of opinion, arguments, or turf wars. Some of the factors that affect how we behave in the face of conflict are:
1. Status: People in higher-status positions usually feel freer to engage in conflict and are less likely to avoid confrontation.
2. Company style or unwritten rules: Some companies encourage conflict; others have unwritten rules that it is to be contained or avoided.
3. Gender differences: Males are generally encouraged to be more confrontational than females.
4. Behavior learned in families: In some families, conflict and confrontation are a communication style. In others, conflict always remains hidden.
5. Behavior learned from role models: People who have had a teacher or boss who modeled effective conflict-resolution skills are more likely to develop these skills themselves.
Conflict Resolution Skills
No one is born knowing how to resolve conflicts. Conflict resolution is a set of skills that anyone can learn. Let’s look at two important ones: active listening and conflict deescalation skills.
Active Listening
Active listening is a valuable skill for resolving conflicts because it enables you to demonstrate that you understand what another person is saying and how he or she is feeling about it.
Active listening means restating, in your own words, what the other person has said.
Active listening is a way of checking whether your understanding is correct. It also demonstrates that you are listening and that you are interested and concerned. These all help resolve a situation when there are conflicting points of view.
Active listening responses have two components: (1) naming the feeling that the other person is conveying, and (2) stating the reason for the feeling.
Here are some examples of active-listening statements:
“Sounds like you’re upset about what happened at work.”
“You’re annoyed by my lateness, aren’t you?”
“You sound really stumped about how to solve this problem.”
“It makes you angry when you find errors on Joe’s paperwork.”
“Sounds like you’re really worried about Wendy.”
“I get the feeling you’re awfully busy right now.”
Actively listening is not the same as agreement. It is a way of demonstrating that you intend to hear and understand another’s point of view.
Benefits of Active Listening
If a person uses active listening as part of his or her communication style at work, how would that be good for resolving conflicts, i.e., what are the benefits?
1. It feels good when another person makes an effort to understand what you are thinking and feeling. It creates good feelings about the other person and makes you feel better about yourself.
2. Restating what you’ve heard, and checking for understanding, promotes better communication and produces fewer misunderstandings.
3. Responding with active listening has a calming effect in an emotional situation.
Conflict De-escalation
Everyone has been in an argument that has escalated. Before you know it, it’s blown out of proportion. Let’s think for a moment about some actions that will help you deescalate a conflict. In your experience, what actions put a stop to the defend/attack spiral?
• Stick with “I” statements; avoid “you” statements.
• Avoid name-calling and put-downs (“A reasonable person could see that...”).
• Soften your tone.
• Take a time-out (“Let’s take a break and cool down”).
• Acknowledge the other person’s point of view (agreement is not necessary).
• Avoid defensive or hostile body language (rolling eyes, crossing arms in front of body, tapping foot).
• Be specific and factual; avoid generalities.
Conflict Prevention Skills
Now that we’ve talked about how to resolve a conflict, let’s look at how to prevent conflicts from happening. Here are a few ideas:
• Bring issues out in the open before they become problems.
• Be aware of triggers and respond to them when you notice them. • Have a process for resolving conflicts. Bring it up at a meeting and get agreement on what people should do in cases of differing viewpoints.
• Teach everyone conflict-resolution skills and expect people to use them.
Conflict: Don't Just Fight It, Manage It
Conflict is an ever-present reality whenever people work together. It can manifest itself in differences of view, differences of opinion, differences of personality, and differences of interest. But conflict doesn’t have to be destructive. If the right options are chosen to handle conflict – either as a strategy or as a tactical choice – the result can be of huge benefit to both sides. These are the 7 options you have.
1. No Deal. A no-deal outcome to a conflict means that the status quo is confirmed and nothing changes. No-deal is rarely a successful end to a conflict unless during discussions it becomes clear there is no advantage for you in continuing. No-deal, in the sense of walkaway power, can also be used tactically at any stage of the proceedings. To make sure you are not disadvantaged if your bluff is called when you threaten "No deal!", make sure you have a good second-best BATNA (Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement) to fall back on.
2. I Win, You Lose. The "I win you lose" approach to conflict is also known as the World War One solution. At the end of World War One, the victorious Allies decided that, such were the horrors of the war, the defeated Germans should be humiliated and never again allowed to threaten their neighbours. The denigrating peace terms were completely one-sided but, as in all win-lose solutions, the losing side harboured deep resentment. It was only a matter of time before resentment led to a desire for revenge and the outbreak of a further war in 1939. When you use "win-lose" on others, you encourage them to find ways to use "win-lose" back on you.
3. I Lose, You Win. The "I lose, you win" approach to conflict should never be considered as a strategy. This is the route of appeasement, a quiet life and letting others have their way: sooner or later they will come back for more.
The story is told of a newcomer to an African village who became frightened by wolves at night so he threw them some antelope meat to appease them. The next morning he had the whole pack at his door.
"We've proved it again and again, That if once you have paid him the Dane-Geld; You never get rid of the Dane." (Rudyard Kipling)
4. Win At All Costs. Win-at-all-costs is a negotiating strategy that is based on the belief that you are not responsible for the conflict and therefore will not budge an inch to the other side. You must be seen to win.
A simple demonstration of win-at-all-costs thinking is the £5 auction game. A group of people are invited to bid for a £5 note, starting at 50p and working their way up. Naturally, the bidding is brisk up to the £4.50 mark. But, more often than not, the bidding will pass the £5.00 mark and go higher. Winning now matters more than the prize itself!
5. Compromise. Although the end result of many negotiations is a coming together of positions and a settlement somewhere in the middle of extremes, compromise should not be a pre-planned strategy. This is because...
- it encourages a spirit of concession
- the other side will interpret your concessions as weakness and try to push you further
- negotiation is not about trying to be nice to one another
- your case may merit better than a compromise; their case may merit worse.
6. Arbitration. Going to a third party is often suggested to resolve a negotiation stalemate but it should never be considered as an alternative to negotiations in the first place. If you’re tempted to resolve all your differences through a third party, first remember this Indian fable.
As two otters were standing on the banks of the river Ganges, a great fish came swimming by. The first otter dived in but, unable to overpower it, begged the second otter for help. He too dived in and together they brought the fish to shore. Then they began to quarrel as to who should have it. A jackal came up to see what all the noise was about and they asked him to decide the case. The jackal cut off the fish's head and tail and said: "I divide the spoils equally" and gave the first otter the head and the second otter the tail and ran off himself with the middle part.
"Stop," shouted the otters, "you've taken the only part worth having." "I can't help that," said the jackal. "When you call in a lawyer, you have to pay his fee. You should have settled things together."
7. Win-Win. Win-win is the only strategy worth pursuing in negotiations. Just because the other side wins as well as you does not mean that your gain is any less. Win-win encourages constructive conflict: the belief that to come out on top does not only happen by destroying the opposition.
"It is as inappropriate to ask "who's winning?" in a successful negotiation as it is to ask "who's winning?" in a successful marriage. The answer, of course, is: we both are."
Two four-year-old boys were playing soldiers together.
"I want to be leader," said one.
"But I want to be leader," said the second.
"OK. You be the leader in front and I'll be the leader behind," said the first boy.
"OK," said the second boy.
The best strategy to pursue in conflict is a win-win solution. This is the belief that, despite all the differences, a solution is possible that will benefit both sides. When you think win-win, and act win-win, out of discord comes the greatest harmony.

Five Habits of Highly Effective Conflict Resolvers
Steven Covey had the right idea. There are discreet skills and attitudes, habits if you will, that can elevate your conflict practice to a new level. This article shares a selection of habits and attitudes that can transform a good conflict resolver into a highly effective one. By that I mean someone who facilitates productive, meaningful discussion between others that results in deeper self-awareness, mutual understanding and workable solutions.
I have used the term ‘conflict resolver’ intentionally to reienforce the idea that human resource professionals and managers are instrumental in ending disputes, regardless of whether they are also mediators. These conflict management techniques are life skills that are useful in whatever setting you find yourself. With these skills, you can create environments that are respectful, collaborative and conducive to problem-solving. And, you’ll teach your employees to be proactive, by modeling successful conflict management behaviors.
1. UNDERSTAND THE EMPLOYEE’S NEEDS
Since you’re the ‘go to person’ in your organization, it’s natural for you to jump right in to handle conflict. When an employee visits you to discuss a personality conflict, you assess a situation, determine the next steps and proceed until the problem is solved. But is that helpful?
When you take charge, the employee is relieved of his or her responsibility to find a solution. That leaves you to do the work around finding alternatives. And while you want to do what’s best for this person (and the organization), it’s important to ask what the employee wants first-- whether it’s to vent, brainstorm solutions or get some coaching. Understand what the person entering your door wants by asking questions:
• How can I be most helpful to you?
• What are you hoping I will do?
• What do you see my role as in this matter?
2. ENGAGE IN COLLABORATIVE LISTENING
By now everyone has taken at least one active listening course so I won’t address the basic skills. Collaborative Listening takes those attending and discerning skills one step further. It recognizes that in listening each person has a job that supports the work of the other. The speaker’s job is to clearly express his or her thoughts, feelings and goals. The listener’s job is facilitating clarity; understanding and make the employee feel heard.
So what’s the difference? The distinction is acknowledgement. Your role is to help the employee gain a deeper understanding of her own interests and needs; to define concepts and words in a way that expresses her values (i.e. respect means something different to each one of us); and to make her feel acknowledged—someone sees things from her point of view.
Making an acknowledgement is tricky in corporate settings. Understandably, you want to help the employee but are mindful of
the issues of corporate liability. You can acknowledge the employee even while safeguarding your company.
Simply put, acknowledgement does not mean agreement. It means letting the employee know that you can see how he got to his truth. It doesn’t mean taking sides with the employee or abandoning your corporate responsibilities. Acknowledgement can be the bridge across misperceptions. Engage in Collaborative Listening by:
• Help the employee to explore and be clear about his interests and goals
• Acknowledge her perspective
o I can see how you might see it that way.
o That must be difficult for you.
o I understand that you feel _______ about this.
• Ask questions that probe for deeper understanding on both your parts:
o When you said x, what did you mean by that?
o If y happens, what’s significant about that for you?
o What am I missing in understanding this from your perspective?
3. BE A GOOD TRANSMITTER
Messages transmitted from one person to the next are very powerful. Sometimes people have to hear it ‘from the horse’s mouth’. Other times, you’ll have to be the transmitter of good thoughts and feelings. Pick up those ‘gems’, those positive messages that flow when employees feel safe and heard in mediation, and present them to the other employee. Your progress will improve.
We’re all human. You know how easy it is to hold a grudge, or assign blame. Sharing gems appropriately can help each employee begin to shift their perceptions of the situation, and more importantly, of each other. To deliver polished gems, try to:
• Act soon after hearing the gem
• Paraphrase accurately so the words aren’t distorted
• Ask the listener if this is new information and if changes her stance
• Avoid expecting the employees to visibly demonstrate a ‘shift in stance’ (it happens internally and on their timetable, not ours)
4. RECOGNIZE POWER
Power is a dominant factor in mediation that raises many questions: What is it? Who has it? How to do you balance power? Assumptions about who is the ‘powerful one’ are easy to make and sometimes wrong. Skillful conflict resolvers recognize power dynamics in conflicts and are mindful about how to authentically manage them. You can recognize power by being aware that:
• Power is fluid and exchangeable
• Employees possess power over the content and their process (think of employees concerns as the water flowing into and being held by the container)
• Resolvers possess power over the mediation process (their knowledge, wisdom, experience, and commitment form the container)
• Your roles as an HR professional and resolver will have a significant impact on power dynamics
5. BE OPTIMISTIC & RESILIENT
Agreeing to participate in mediation is an act of courage and hope. By participating, employees are conveying their belief in value of the relationship. They are also expressing their trust in you to be responsive to and supportive of our efforts. Employees may first communicate their anger, frustration, suffering, righteousness, regret, not their best hopes. You can inspire them to continue by being optimistic:
• Be positive about your experiences with mediation • Hold their best wishes and hopes for the future • Encourage them to work towards their hopes
Be Resilient. Remember the last time you were stuck in a conflict? You probably replayed the conversation in your mind over and over, thinking about different endings and scolding yourself. Employees get stuck, too. In fact, employees can become so worn down and apathetic about their conflict, especially a long-standing dispute; they’d do anything to end it.
Yes, even agree with each other prematurely. Don’t let them settle. Mediation is about each employee getting their interest met. Be resilient:
• Be prepared to move yourself and the employees though productive and less productive cycles of the mediation
• Help the employees see their movement and progress
• Be mindful and appreciative of the hard work you all are doing
Resolving Workplace Conflict
The effects of conflict in the workplace are widespread and costly. Its prevalence, as indicated by three serious studies, shows that 24-60% of management time and energy is spent dealing with anger. This leads to decreased productivity, increased stress among employees, hampered performance, high turnover rate, absenteeism and at its worst, violence and death.
Conflict in the workplace is the result of a variety of factors. Perhaps the most significant cause is when someone feels taken advantage of. This might happen when a perfectionist boss demands the same dedication and commitment from employees as he or she exhibits, but does not compensate them for the late or weekend hours.
Other scenarios include the employee having unrealistic expectations of what their job position really is, or of being misunderstood in the workplace. Conflict also arises because of values and goal differences in the company. The company may not have goals or not adequately express the goals and values to their employees. Conversely, the employee may have personal goals and values at odds with those of the company.
There are four specific steps managers can take to reduce workplace conflict. The first is for managers to look at communication skills, both in terms of how they communicate and how theyre teaching their employees to communicate with each other. This, of course, includes using I statements instead of you language. Owning your own feelings and your own communication is a much more effective way to communicate and even more, teaching your employees to communicate that way with others, goes a long way toward reducing conflict.
The second part of communication is for managers to beef up listening skills. Active listening involves things like actually trying to understand what the other person is saying, and then communicating to the other person that you do indeed understand what theyre saying.
The second way to decrease workplace conflict is to establish healthy boundaries. Without boundaries, there will be conflict and squabbles, power struggles and all kinds of circumstances that make for messy situations.
You can be professional and be empathetic and compassionate toward your employees, without crossing the line of becoming their friend. This is especially important when theres a power difference between two people in an employment situation.
The third factor to reducing conflict is a skill called emotional intelligence. There are many aspects and facets but it basically means developing skills to be more effective by teaching people to combine both intelligence and emotions in the workplace.
Seeing and dealing with employees as human beings with real lives is often overlooked in the busy workplace. People with high emotional intelligence can do this in a professional manner, and maintain appropriate boundaries. Another aspect of EQ is knowing and being sensitive to how employees are experiencing you as a manager. Part of EQ is teaching managers to be sensitive to how theyre coming across to others.
The fourth aspect of reducing workplace conflict is setting up behavioral consequences to be used with truly uncooperative employees who are unwilling to change. Despite using all these recommendations, there will be a few employees that just wont change because theyre unwilling or unable. That means a manager must explain a consequence, which is an action or sanction that states to the employee the likely outcome of continuing problematic behavior. It will take skills from the three previous points to do this in a non-threatening way.
Is there ever a place for anger in the workplace? Yes. When people can say, Wait a minute. Im not happy with this; I dont like whats going on, and they turn that anger into a positive action, then the anger can be seen as a kind of motivator. Sometimes when were in a position where we recognize that we are upset about something, and we use that to our advantage, we can make that work for us, and in the long run, actually work for the company.

As employees, the more we can learn to speak up, to be able to say what our needs and our wants are in a healthy way, and not let it fester to the point of rage or explosion, we can use our anger as a motivator to help us take action.
Employees can also change their attitude toward their job while putting up with the unpleasant aspects of it. One way to reduce conflict and to be happier is to find a way to shift our perspective and our vision of why were there.
Id like to close with a story thats going around about the janitor at Carnegie Hall who had been there for 20 years. Hes 45 years old. He was cleaning up the restroom, and a guy in a business suit went up to him and said, You seem to be an intelligent fellow. For 20 years youve been cleaning the toilets. Why dont you do something with your life and get another job?
And the janitor said, What? And leave show business?
Its all in how we view the situation and perceive what were doing that determines our satisfaction and fulfillment on the job.
Keeping Conflict in Perspective

A friend told me about a conflict she was having with her next door neighbor.
Due to a misunderstanding the neighbor was pretty upset, so much so that when they passed on the street and my friend said hello and reached out to shake his hand, he withdrew it, avoided eye contact, muttered a monotone “hi” and quickly walked past her.
She felt like she’d been punched in the stomach. Stunned, she walked back to her house wondering what had just happened. It was even more upsetting because she’d communicated with this man about the confusion that had initially caused the conflict, and she thought that he’d understood her point of view. She wanted to find out what went wrong, but he clearly didn’t want to discuss it.
We talked about the incident for a while, brainstorming strategies that would help her deal with this unexpected blow, but eventually I left her to think it over on her own.
A surprise attack is one of the hardest conflicts to handle. It’s a shock to the system. Often the first reaction (after your heartbeat returns to normal) is to blame the other person or to blame yourself and to get caught in endless internal dialogue about who's at fault and what to do next.
Regardless of the cause, a troubling conflict may take time to untangle and can disrupt our lives while it's going on. We lose our balance and often operate on half-power, the other half working non-stop to figure out where to assign blame and (as much as possible) to justify our own actions. If it's disturbing enough we lose focus at work and at home, have difficulty making even routine decisions, and spend wakeful nights deliberating over the best way to handle it. It's hard to do anything wholeheartedly until it's resolved.
I felt a lot of empathy for my friend. I've been there and it's no fun. One of the ways I tried to help was to listen when she needed to talk, and I suggested she take care of herself during the process of unraveling the situation. Conflict is hard on the body, on the mind and on the spirit, and there are strategies that can help us keep perspective and move the conflict toward a positive resolution.
• Breathe and find your balance. A conflict can unbalance us with strong emotions and feelings of unworthiness, anger, sadness, and frustration. Don't avoid these emotions, but rather treat them as guides. Appreciate and observe as you might observe a play. There is a lot of power in this emotional energy, and as you breathe and watch, you'll find a way to use it that's in line with your best purpose.
• Take the long view. It’s so easy to get caught in the turmoil of the conflict that we forget there will be a tomorrow. Take some quiet moments to close your eyes and see yourself in the future with the conflict resolved. Imagine how you'll feel with the problem behind you. What would you like the relationship to look like a month from now, a year? Meanwhile, eat well, go to bed at regular hours, laugh and allow yourself to forget the problem occasionally. This may not be easy, but it's effective. Allow your inner wisdom to work silently while you continue to engage in life.
• Reframe. Step outside the conflict momentarily. Instead of resisting it, ask yourself if there is a gift here – an invitation to look at the problem differently or to try out a new behavior. Acknowledge the other person by stepping into their shoes. Why are they behaving this way? What do they want? How would you feel if you were in their position?
• Practice. Brainstorm all possible responses to this situation and try them on for size. Get a friend and role-play alternatives you think you'd never choose because they're so unlike your usual persona. Have fun exercising unexplored selves.
• Count your blessings. Notice the good things in your life. Cultivate gratitude and wonder.
After brainstorming many options my friend decided to write a letter to her neighbor. She refrained from justifying her own actions. Instead, she acknowledged his feelings and offered to talk with him about the situation. They began to talk and, over time, came to be good neighbors again.
Some questions to help you practice good conflict management:
1. What happens when you're surprised by conflict?
2. How do you usually behave, and how is it different from what you would like to do?
3. Think about the last time you experienced this kind of "surprise attack." How did you handle it? What might you have done differently? What next steps will you take?
Conflict can cause us to lose sight of the big picture -- of what we truly want in life, why we're here, and what's important -- or to see it more clearly. In "The Magic of Conflict," author Thomas Crum says, "our quality of life depends not on what happens to us, but on what we do with what happens to us." This feels true, doesn't it? Making it operational is the key to finding our power.
How to Apply the 12 Steps for Management Conflict and Resolution

1. Admit there is a problem.
The very first step in dealing with any problem is to acknowledge that there is a problem. Surrendering to the idea that control is an illusion allows one to be proactive rather than reactive which creates opportunity for solution.
2. Recognize that a power other than yourself can restore you to sanity.
You do not have to do it alone. You can go to mentors, peer managers, a coach, or even business literature to tap into additional experience, tools and solutions.
3. Choose to turn it over.
Sometimes the biggest obstacle is you. There are times when the best thing you can do is to get out of the way and let others do their jobs.
4. Analyze the situation to determine the cause.
Where did you drop the ball or where could you have handled the situation differently? Look for specific situations, especially those where you can see you were part of the problem and not the solution. The question to ask: 'Have I truly set my people up to succeed in every area of their responsibilities?' Look for consistent patterns in which you are the liability. Remember, if it begins with you, it can end with you.
5. Create a successful plan of action with another person.
An objective view eliminates blind spots and also brings attention to what we do not see ourselves. This step must be taken with someone with integrity and who is concerned about both the business success and your success and has a proven track record of creating results.
6. Humbly get into action.
There is a reason servant leadership creates companies that thrive financially as well as in employee/management relationships. Become a servant-leader and reap the benefits, both personally and professionally.
7. Let your side of the street sparkle.
Take stock of your personal inventory and identify where and with whom you need resolution. Then, decide what action you will take in order to complete/restore relationships.
8. Be entirely ready to implement your plan of action.
Be committed to resolving the situation. Any second-guessing or conflicting intentions should be discussed and put to rest. Willingness is a state of being, not just an attitude. It may sometimes be necessary to modify your plan of action if you are not getting the results you looked for, but don't quit before the miracle.
9 Lead by example.
Be an active part of the solution and admit your piece of the problem. Show up as a leader who accepts personal responsibility and earn respect. You don't need to demand it. People will go where you lead them, so lead by example.
10. Create an outline for others.
RESOLVING CONFLICT
The conflict resolution requires great managerial skills. Here we are trying to give a solution to a conflict turning it in a constructive side.
If one party exercises the principles of interaction, listens, and us the six steps of collaborative resolution, that party may be able to end the conflict constructively. At the very least, he or she may be able to prevent the conflict from turning into a fight by choosing an alternative to destructive interaction?"
There is a difference between resolving a conflict and managing conflict. Resolving a conflict ends the dispute by satisfying the interests of both parties. Managing a conflict contains specialized interaction that prevents a dispute from becoming a destructive battle. Managing a conflict attends to the personal issues so as to allow for a constructive relationship, even though the objective issues may not be resolvable. For example, the former Soviet Union and the United States managed their conflict during the Cold War by using a variety of mechanisms. The objective issues in the dispute were not resolved, and neither were the personal issues, which contained significant perceptual differences. However, both sides attended significantly to the relationship to keep the disagreement from turning into a destructive battle.
Our goal in conflict always should be to seek a resolution based on mutual gain. Realistically, however, resolution is not always possible. When this is the case, we must manage the conflict to ensure that the relationship is constructive and that open communication is maintained. We Listen to Conflict to understand the other party and demonstrate the acceptance required to maintain the relationship
1. The Framework for conflict resolution
When conflicts arise, we assess a variety of factors before selecting our approach to the situation. We may choose to compete, or dominate, where we try to impose our will on the other side through physical or psychological means, or we may choose to accommodate, or surrender, and cede victory to the other side. Likewise, we may decide to withdraw by either doing nothing or refusing to participate in the conflict altogether, or we may collaborate and reach a constructive and mutually acceptable solution. And if none of those approaches proves effective, we might choose third-party intervention, a form of collaboration in which an individual or group external to the conflict intercedes to move both parties toward agreement.
While each of the above orientations represents a way to manage conflict, only two collaboration and third-party intervention-are, by definition, focused on mutual gain and resolution. These two approaches consider the interests of both parties and are most likely to use empathic listening as the primary tool to enhance understanding. The other methods deal unilaterally with the conflict and fail to manage the interdependence of the dispute.
In order to understand the mechanisms behind the four orientations to conflict, it is useful to examine how these orientations can be applied. The study of negotiation, one form of conflict resolution, provides two opposite approaches for dealing with disputes. Most often, we think of negotiation in the formal sense seen in the business or diplomatic environment, where two or more parties bargain to reach agreement. However, two types of negotiation, competitive bargaining and collaboration, also provide good models for understanding different ways of resolving our conflicts.
2. Competitive Bargaining
When most people think of negotiation, they think of competitive bargaining. In this type of negotiation, a seller asks for more than he expects and a buyer offers less than she is willing to pay. Then, through a series of concessions, the two sides meet somewhere in the middle where each side is reasonably satisfied. This form of negotiation also is frequently called distributive bargaining or concession-convergence. It maintains a competitive, win-lose orientation, with the goals of one party and the attainment of those goals in direct conflict with the goals of the other party. In other words, competitive bargaining is a positional conflict in which "winning" is determined by how much of the original position was obtained. The parties believe that resources are fixed and limited, and that they must battle to maximize their share of the wealth.
In competitive bargaining, each party uses strategy, tactics, and tricks to achieve its objective, and whether one of both parties will achieve their goal depends upon their ability to "play the game." Each party seeks to extract information from the other party that will help in identifying appropriate counteroffers, while revealing as little accurate information as possible about its own preferences. The final agreement often depends on the willingness of one party to stake out a tough and extreme position that causes the other party to make concessions. Labor management disputes and international negotiations often use this model of conflict resolution.
The competitive bargaining process is unappealing to many of us and often produces unwise agreements. Some of us simply do not have the skills or the temperament to play the game. We see the process as being unnecessary tough, deceitful, or manipulative. Perceptions of power & control also are a significant factor in the effectiveness of competitive bargaining. If you do not have the power in the relationship, or if you perceive that you do not, you are more likely to obtain an unsatisfactory resolution. Your lack of power will prevent you from using authority or aggression to resolve, or win, the dispute. In competitive bargaining this form of aggression is often played as a trump card to achieve the win for the party who is able to acquire the most power.
The positional approach of competitive bargaining also causes unnecessary issue rigidity. Our egos become so invested in our positions that we are prevented from accepting alternatives. Therefore, even if a better solution is created, it is unlikely that we will back down. Another problem with competitive bargaining is that it often ignores the personal issues that affect the resolution process. In competitive bargaining, we care about the other party's needs only as a means to identify an opportunity for trade. For example, we will trade one day at the beach (the other party's need) for one day visiting museums (our need). But even if the trade satisfies one need, competitive bargaining still requires some amount of persuasion, deception, and manipulation if we are going to resolve all of the objective issues in a satisfactory manner. Over time, this usually breaks down the trust between the parties and places a significant strain on the relationship.
Competitive bargaining tends not to resolve conflict. It merely manages it for his short term. It is based on an attitude of limits and is fundamentally a process of reaching a settlement within a bargaining range. Both parties know that they are going to have to settle for something less than they would prefer, but they each hope that the deal will be better than their bottom line. Parties who do not think they got the best deal possible or who believe that they "lost" typically try to find ways to recoup their losses later. Even if one party believes that it "won," it still knows that it left something on the bargaining table and will try to acquire it in future negotiations. Labor and management, for example, may reach an agreement, but it is not long before they are back at the bargaining table, renegotiating issues that one or both sides thought had been settled previously.
There is an alternative that breaks the destructive cycle of competitive bargaining. It builds relationships and opens the door to constructive resolution. The alternative not only helps you correctly identify the objective issues, but also manages, if not resolves, the personal issues in the dispute. It is based on principles of interaction that endeavor to understand all of the underlying interests that must be satisfied to reach sustained agreement.
3. Collaboration
The collaborative approach to conflict resolution, also called mutual gains or integrative bargaining, argues for the possibility of solutions that all sides find acceptable. It embodies the notion of "win-win," a core component of our principle of mutual gain. Collaboration is about identifying a common, shared, or joint goal and developing a process to achieve it. It is a process in which both parties exchange information openly, defines their common problems, and creates options to solve these problems. And while the collaborative process cannot guarantee that agreement will always be reached, more often than not, the analysis of interests, needs, and desires helps the resolution process and ultimate agreement.
There are many reasons why people don't pursue this model of conflict resolution. First, people in conflict often do not recognize the potential for collaboration. This often is the result of an attitude of limits, either-or thinking, or a fixed-pie mentality. When parties remain positional or see only a limited number of solutions that will satisfy their interests, they do not use their creativity to solv

About Author